Does anyone remember the Futurama episode where Bender gets a downgrade? There’s a new robot on the market and the old models are supposed to get an upgrade to be compatible with the latest robo shit but Bender gets scared and flees to an island where he meets a bunch of old, obsolete robots that have formed a society far off modern world upgrade pressures. One of them needs to change a cartridge for each sentence it speaks, the next one needs to costantly fill up with water cause its ‘heart’ is a breast mill that must be kept running all the time or else the poor thing will ‘die’. There’s a couple more I forgot but the important thing is that Bender (who is made of at least 40% titanium) decides to get a downgrade and has his body downgraded to wood. Now guess what came to my mind the second I spotted dis ride here:

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I know, seen it before haven’t you? I know that a couple of small companies and individuals produce these things for a while now but I always wondered what the real pupose was. It can’t really be for ecological reasons cause apart from the frame we’re dealing with the same old environmentally hazardous bullshit that has to be produced for any bike. Speaking of which, has anyone of the eco-bike fraction ever considered that producing a bike is everything but ecological? I’m generally doubtful every time someone is trying to sell me something that’s ‘bio’ or ‘eco’ or ‘green’ cause basically every single time I start pondering production and distribution I end up thinking: ‘Who the hell needs that shit anyways and what the fuck is so ‘bio’ or ‘eco’ with shit being produced under bullshit labor conditions and shipped around the planet on big, fume and oil exhausting ships to get the oh so eco friendly goods delivered directly to our house?’. Also, bikes were made of wood a long time ago and once humanity discovered metal they were gone in a second cause guess what, the new invention proved to be better. So over 100 years later people are considering wooden bikes to be a good idea again, can someone please explain to me how and why? Meanwhile, I’d like to mention some more facts about this little bamboo bomber I spotted right there:

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First of all, of course it’s a fixed gear, which other cycling scene do you know of that will embrace whacky build ups and absolutely senseless inventions as much as the fixed gear world? Seriously, name one and we at Disridehere might just sponsor your next fixed gear criterium season, flights and accomodation included. Speaking of senseless inventions, one of my top 3 fixed gear misdoings is of course, the single front brake. Once a sign of sissyness and absolutely not acceptable for countless reasons it’s the number 1 fixed gear got to have it item, usually combined with a three or a five spoke. Jesus, it’s almost 2016, can we finally please get a break (no pun intended).

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Down to an art. Of course the lever is lingering on a bullhorn bar, like I said, it is almost 2016 allright. Another thing that is a mystery to me is that people will spend hours and hours on their outfits, make up, instagram profile, the latest facebook selfies and building up a bamboo bike but as soon as they reach the point of wrapping the handlebar tape nicely and securely all of that fervor is out the window. I mean look at that shit, who on earth wraps anything like that? And as if that aint enough, just make sure to put the closing adhesive tape over the stoopidly installed front brake lever. Just to make things clear, I’m talking about the left lever, of course I saw that there’s a proper TT lever on the right side but guess what, it’s operating the same front brake. Engineering genius.

On the other hand, what do I know? Maybe this Flinstone ride has such a heavy rear it will stay on track (again, no pun intended..) no matter how hard you hit that front brake.

If that is the case there’s only one question left:

Can I skid a wooden fixed gear?

About Trulli

TrulliOlder, bolder, none the wiser. The experienced side of disridehere.